2/25/11: The Doghouse

[swankivy]

The Doghouse

When you've hurt someone you care about, what are some of the ways you get back on good terms with that person? Do you prefer words? Gifts? An apology and giving it time? Do you usually find it easy or difficult to forgive someone?

[SHO!]

I prefer the apology + time + ignoring it ever happened and never mentioning it again method to trying to get forgiveness.

As for accepting it, It's easy for me to accept someone else's apology if they seem to be making a sincere effort to make up for whatever transgressions they've committed. Even just asking for an explanation of what they did that I felt was wrong or what they can do to make it right again is leagues toward my forgiveness. Basically I just need to know that I won't have to constantly be cautioned against them doing it again and can relax in their presence.

[blondiviolette]

I'm a person who worries too much about hurting people I care about's feelings, even with things that are not even a question of offense I will mull on and worry about and feel guilty and wonder if something was hurtful to them.
If I think I've done something wrong then I apologise and talk things over/apologise and give it time. But sometimes I get stubborn and won't apologise if I feel like they are over-reacting and being annoyed over something very very minor, especially if they choose to just ignore me forever and never speak again, I find it hard to reach out and apologise when people choose that path, but I still think about whether they were offended and whether or not to mail them and then sometimes it gets too long a time since the last time they talked and then it seems silly to mail them especially if it's me rattling on about something that may/may not have offended them...

If someone sincerely apologises to me if they've done something hurtful/offensive then I will accept that and move forward. Unfortunately most of the people who cause me hurt don't understand or care if they have and I don't often get an apology much from people, they usually just go on like nothing ever happened or they ignore me etc so that makes it extremely hard to forgive them, the saying goes to forgive your enemy: sometimes I just don't know how to nor think they deserve to be forgiven. It is nice to get apologies if need be, shows respect and care from the person.

[Kearin Dai Peregryth]

I have caused people a fair amount of harm over the years (as most people probably have). When I do (and notice), I try and learn what I did wrong so I don't do it again and (when I remember to) issue an apology. Of course, if I don't feel I did anything wrong, I apologize for their hurt feelings instead of my actions, and try to figure out if the relationship is untenable, or if another solution exists. (Living with it, avoiding the situation entirely, etc) Overall, I dislike causing anybody harm, but there are several things that take precedence over such considerations.

Anyway, when somebody causes me harm, I generally forgive and forget (especially forget; I have anterograde episodic amnesia) very easily, and don't really expect an apology most of the time. I think I have fought people two times (just words and a restraining hold) over having my feelings hurt (once from theft, and the other from feeling constantly unappreciated and mocked, or something like that) which is something I am not particularly proud of.

However, I might be using the word "forgive" a tad differently here; I mean that I no longer hold the event against them. However, it does provide an insight into their capabilities and intentions, and that affects how much I TRUST them long after I have forgiven them.

*Rubs the back of her head sheepishly* Anyway, I am always working on becoming the person I desire to be. I need to be more attentive to other people (and better at convincing them to please TELL ME things honestly and I won't resent them for it) and better at letting my negative emotions go.

And yes, I do tend to ramble.

[SHO!]

Feb 26, 2011 1:45:51 GMT -5 blondiviolette said:

But sometimes I get stubborn and won't apologise if I feel like they are over-reacting and being annoyed over something very very minor, especially if they choose to just ignore me forever and never speak again,

I've gone this route, not wanting to speak to someone at all. actually that's going on with one my sisters right now, the extremely selfish one. And it's because:

Unfortunately most of the people who cause me hurt don't understand or care if they have and I don't often get an apology much from people, they usually just go on like nothing ever happened or they ignore me etc so that makes it extremely hard to forgive them

So it makes me fee like:

sometimes I just don't know how to nor think they deserve to be forgiven.

Because basically:

If someone sincerely apologises to me if they've done something hurtful/offensive then I will accept that and move forward.

I realize that sometimes they:

find it hard to reach out and apologise when people choose that path, but I still think about whether they were offended and whether or not to mail them and then sometimes it gets too long a time since the last time they talked and then it seems silly to mail them especially if it's me rattling on about something that may/may not have offended them...

But:

It is nice to get apologies if need be, shows respect and care from the person.

Even just the effort of asking me WHY I am mad at them is the step in he right direction and a hug reason to forgive because they're making the effort. I think most people like me that wind up ignoring someone over behavior that caused us to be offended would be ready to forgive if the other person made an effort to know and understand what happened.

;D

[SHO!]

Mar 2, 2011 7:03:48 GMT -5 @Kearin Dai Peregryth said:

However, I might be using the word "forgive" a tad differently here; I mean that I no longer hold the event against them. However, it does provide an insight into their capabilities and intentions, and that affects how much I TRUST them long after I have forgiven them.

*Rubs the back of her head sheepishly* Anyway, I am always working on becoming the person I desire to be. I need to be more attentive to other people (and better at convincing them to please TELL ME things honestly and I won't resent them for it) and better at letting my negative emotions go.

And yes, I do tend to ramble.

I think you, me, and Weaver should go have tea together.

Anyway, when somebody causes me harm, I generally forgive and forget (especially forget; I have anterograde episodic amnesia) very easily, and don't really expect an apology most of the time.

Hm, I think I understand the concept of retrograde amnesia; an accident causes the places where memories are electro-chemically stored to become inaccessible, but how does anterograde work? Does that mean you had an event that causes future memories to not be stored in a place that could be properly accessed or are episodes sometimes not being actively archived at all? Like the difference between the information not being saved moment by moment or having it saved, but then waking up and it no longer is there one day.

In any case, I think I'm a little bit jealous. I pretty much am forced to relive almost every bad thing someone has done to me on a constant basis. It makes being happy something that has to be constantly worked on or it becomes very fleeting. It makes me wish the process in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind really existed.

[Kearin Dai Peregryth]

Anterograde episodic amnesia is really cool, in my opinion. (And a "condition" that I have had as far back as I am aware, though it is possible I received retrograde amnesia at some point) My brain simply doesn't form episodic memories as far as I can tell; I never "remember" any events in the way people describe it. I have no sensory data stored, no remembrance of emotions felt, etc.

Within declarative memory, I only store semantic data. The way I utilize it to recall events is akin to an after-action report; a text-summary formed when I contemplate things. Any "recall" of events is only as clear as I can "reconstruct" the event from semantic memory. It is more like visualizing something you're reading in a book than rewatching a movie or video footage.

I apologize if I didn't explain it very well; if you would like, I could send you my email and/or MSN address and we can have a more in-depth conversation about this or anything else if you would like. (Just so long as we're clear that I am an aromantic asexual, and thus have no interest in a romantic or sexual relationship.)

[SHO!]

Mar 5, 2011 11:20:26 GMT -5 @Kearin Dai Peregryth said:

(Just so long as we're clear that I am an aromantic asexual, and thus have no interest in a romantic or sexual relationship.)

An aromantic asexual? Hm, I wonder if I could have n indepth conversation with someone like that.

Btw, that was a joke, my most favorite person in the world is an aromantic asexual and she's lurking around these boards somewhere. ;D